Taking Charge

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As a caregiver, you need to feel that you have the ability and the authority to take charge when you need to. This is sometimes difficult when your family members, doctors, social workers, or other professionals tell you, in one way or another that you are not doing what should be done and maybe even that you are causing problems for your family member. While it is good to carefully consider other peoples’ ideas, sometimes you just need to take charge and make decisions. And this is all right, because you have heard the different points of view, have considered them, and you and your family member know best what needs to be done. But it can be hard to do. So how do you take charge and help your aging family member without feeling like you did something wrong or that you stepped on someone else’s toes?

First, you need to recognize that if you are the primary caregiver for your family member the person who provides most of the day-to-day care

then you, more than anyone else, know what your family member can and can’t do, and what your family member needs ... more so than your doctor, clergy, friends, or other family members. While they may have expertise and perspectives that you don’t have, they are not as close to the situation. You can ask them for options or choices that can help you make a decision, but they should not make the decision for you. You know best, so you should make decisions, not defer to others to make decisions.

So, if you can accept that it is your right and responsibility to take charge, what do you do? When you’re in charge, you take the initiative, not just wait for someone else to direct you. You seek advice, but decide for yourself. You politely, but persistently, insist on answers from doctors and other professionals. You feel like you, not other people, are controlling the care of your loved one. You don’t have to take “no” for an answer. When you have a “take charge” attitude you have a sense of control over what happens to you and your family. You have a sense of respect for yourself. You feel like you have an important role in caring for your loved one. And you earn more respect from professionals and they take your views more seriously.

Even though you feel in charge, it is also important to help your family member be in control as much as possible. You can help them by recognizing what things they can handle for themselves or perhaps with only a little coaching from you. Maybe they don’t do things quite the way you would, and maybe they “mess up” on occasion, but perhaps their way is not so bad if it helps them maintain self esteem. You should avoid being overprotective, which can stifle independence and self-sufficiency. It’s important for your family member to remain as independent as possible. The more you take responsibility away from them, the less they are able to do things for themselves. Just as you feel pride and self-satisfaction from mastering difficult situations, your family member does also. It is demoralizing not to be given a chance.

So, when it becomes necessary, take charge. And as much as possible help your family member take charge as well.